Fifty Shades of Facebook: Or how to cheer a catless friend.

If Fifty Shades  lived up to the hype  I could forgive the dreadful writing but it isn’t sexy, it’s just depressing. How many times can you describe someone in exactly the same way? I get it, OK? Grey’s a Control Freak who’s control freakery is freakily controlling. I’m not thick. I understand. I don’t need to be told this every other paragraph. And why do the words  Holy Crap and Holy Shit end every other sentence – really, apart from ten year old boys, who litters their thoughts with so many toilet references ?

No. Not sexy. Not Mummy Porn.  Read Jilly Cooper if you want sexy, at least she can tell a cracking story.

I gave Fifty Shades of Drivel  140 pages of my time but I was already fed up and it was making things worse.

And why was I fed up? Because, apart from the disastrous weather we’re having,  I am once again catless.

Bobby the  Rescue cat has packed up her fur and moved out.

I’m not altogether surprised. She and Diesal had problems.

Diesal has only read the first two words of the  labrador handbook:

1. Eat everything

He missed the critical next bit:

…. as long as it’s dead. Don’t make things dead in order to eat them.

This isn’t usually a problem with cats, he attempts to eat them, they smack him round the head a few times, he learns due respect.

The rescue centre thought Bobby would be well up to this task as she’d attacked every single one of the helpers at the cattery. Sadly, she hadn’t read  the feisty cat manual;

1. Beat all other life forms into submission. If they are too big to eat,  assume they are put on earth to provide you with food or comfort by whatever means  necessary. If they fail to do this, treat them  with withering disdain, they are of no use to you. You are a cat. You are afraid of nothing. You scratch the eyes of the face of danger. Especially when danger comes in the shape of a giant idiotic dribbling labrador.

In the five months she was here Bobby came downstairs twice. Both times when Diesal was  asleep, and both times  to tell me I’d have to get rid of the dog if I wanted her to stay.

I didn’t get rid of the dog. She didn’t stay.

So, catless and with reading material that made me want to poke my own eyes out with a stick, I turned to Facebook and found this:

Suddenly the world seemed brighter.

Thank you Jackie Morris.

It’s time to move on.

I let go Fifty Shades of Stupid and picked up the breathtaking ‘A Monster Calls’.  And  I can let go of Bobby. Another little monster will call.

One day.

8 Comments Add yours

  1. Gytha Lodge says:

    Abandoning 50 Shades is a good call. I only finished it in order to satirise it. 😉 It’s difficult to parody something if you don’t know how it ends.
    Cats are a much better topic.

    1. V. Kathryn Evans says:

      Was it worth it though – did it have a stonking twist at the end???? I’d love to know I missed something…

  2. Miss Y says:

    Well I made it all the way through book 1 & 2 and then stopped. I think I kept hoping the story would get better so I could at least like the characters but after picking up book 1 again, and reading the first few chapters I came to the realisation that I hate the characters. Ana is such a child and Christian is creepily obsessive. What an unhealthy combo.

    1. V. Kathryn Evans says:

      A few friends have said books 2 & 3 are better but life’s too short and I have a to be read pile as big as a house – A Monster Calls is absolutely stunning, I was openly sobbing by the end..

      1. Miss Y says:

        I may have to take your friends word on it because I refuse to spend another cent on that series 🙂

        A Monster Calls you say. Can’t say I’ve stumbled across this book but i’m a little intrigued so I may just download the sampler…

    2. V. Kathryn Evans says:

      A Monster Calls is a teen book by Patrick Ness – writer of the Chaos Walking Trilogy – the illustrated version ( which is stunning) has just won the Kate Greenaway prize at the same time as the book won the Carnegie – it’s remarkable, i heartily recommend it.

  3. Fab post – made me laugh and I’m so not a cat person.
    A Monster Calls is a masterpiece – and as for the other thing, I downloaded the free trial, read it and had to remember NOT to through my Kindle across the room!

  4. V. Kathryn Evans says:

    Bobby came back. She’s living in the shed so not exactly home, but she’s safe and well and I get to cuddle her every now and then :o)

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